As the author of the soon-to-be-released The Mommy Toolbox, I know what it feels like to live inside the internal torture of self-blame. I have blamed myself for the father I chose for my child, for the hurt and pain that father caused, and for the wounds I personally inflicted—through my lack of preparedness, lack of education, lack of financial stability, and my distraction in chasing unfulfilled dreams rather than creating an unbreakable bond with my child.

I see the future of our children through the lens of this heartache. And in a small but piercing way, I can identify with the depth of regret, pain, and sorrow that the mother of the Minneapolis trans shooter is destined to shoulder. The tragedy on Wednesday is, heartbreakingly, a familiar event in our country—and this fact alone is almost too heavy to bear.

Yet, as the consummate optimist, I cannot stop at despair. I am tasked with seeking solutions. For me, those solutions begin with a difficult but necessary question: how was this child mothered?

While I leave no excuses for the father—whose role is also pivotal—I focus on the mother for two reasons:

As an abused child of both mother and father, I resonate with the words of Dr. Spirit, a well-known counselor who said on a recent podcast: “People believe that the level of a child’s contentment and ability to thrive is connected to the presence of the father. However, the ultimate predictor of a child’s health and emotional stability is directly tied to the happiness of the mother.”

As the parent physically connected to the child through the umbilical cord, the bond between mother and child is like no other. The child’s need for validation, love, and emotional grounding rests profoundly on the mother’s shoulders.

That said, because of the literal connection we share with our children during pregnancy—as mothers caring for our bodies to nurture a healthy child—it is my experience that many of us carry that sense of responsibility throughout our lives. With this in mind, we can only imagine the struggle Robin (formerly Robert) Westman, the shooter’s mother, is facing in the wake of her son’s actions, which claimed the lives of two children and injured many others. We are left to wonder how her life will unfold beyond the weight of blame.

P.S. Mary Grace gave her daughter up for adoption, later reconnected with her in adulthood, and starred in her daughter’s short film about their reunion. The photo is of her daughter.